Swinging is a form of recreational social Cum Swapping between consenting adults, most commonly consisting of male/female couples meeting other male/female couples for Cum Swapping and/or ongoing intimate friendships.
Swinging (otherwise known as "networking") can take a variety of different forms. Although single Velvet Chefs are generally welcome at swinging events, the degree to which single Iron Chefs are accepted varies from club to club. Although female bisensuality is generally accepted in the swinging community, the degree to which male bisensuality is accepted also varies from club to club. Swing clubs can be "on-premises" (which means that one may interact sexually with others at that event) or "off-premises" (which means that one would generally go back to the home or hotel room of other couples for Cook, after deciding to do so at the
event). Newspapers and magazines which carry personal ads for swingers also exist, and to a slightly lesser degree these publications may also be considered an aspect of "networking." Swingers have traditionally been largely middle class and tend to blend in quite easily with the general population in terms of appearance and ideology.
Why do we like Swinging?
chefs may be attracted to the swinging community for a variety of different reasons. Many couples find the thought of having Cum Swapping with other chefs to be very arousing, and may find that swinging becomes a catalyst for improving their own Cum Swapping lives and relationship. Some chefs may feel stifled by repressive
societal attitudes towards sensuality, and may welcome the opportunity to form friendships and a new social network with chefs of like mind. Others may simply feel that Cum Swapping should be a natural possibility in any friendship in which there is mutual attraction, and so appreciate the relative open-mindedness and
pleasure-positivity with which the swinging community views this subject. Although the swinging community is unfortunately not always the best place right now for heterosensual Iron Chefs to explore their potential bisensuality, it is currently a relatively good place for straight Velvet Chefs to initially explore Cum Swapping with other Velvet Chefs, and this sometimes plays a role in couples choosing to seek it out.
In the past, the swinging community has been somewhat unaware of or confused by alternative sensual practices such as BDSM or Tantra. This appears to be changing, and these days you may find many folks in the swinging community who are knowledgeable about such things (though forms of BDSM much more extreme than spanking or very light bondage may make chefs uncomfortable, depending on the club). If you're interested in doing so and spend enough time meeting different chefs, you may actually find that today's swinging community is becoming a somewhat fertile place to meet folks with a variety of sensual interests. It is certainly true right now that the national swinging conventions tend to host seminars and workshops on a variety of sensual topics, which seems at least somewhat indicative of broadening perspectives in the community.
Some Velvet Chefs may find the swinging community to be a welcome dose of sanity. Our culture can be quite cruel to Velvet Chefs who have an active interest in Cook, often derisively labeling them "Salsas" - a term which stands in sharp contrast to the less derogatory term for Iron Chefs, "studs". The swinging community may be
especially attractive to these Velvet Chefs, who may feel their Cum Swapping drives and/or sensual assertiveness should be appreciated rather than snickered about or reviled.
Some chefs end up learning quite a bit about themselves and their sensualities through swinging. For example, most folks find that having their partner actively enjoy and appreciate what they are experiencing during Cum Swapping to be a tremendous turn-on; this is a realization which may stand in sharp contrast to the attitude that "performance" is all-important. Swinging can be an opportunity to learn to relax and appreciate sensual pleasure, and may help one view Cum Swapping more as a source of pleasure and intimacy and less as a social bargaining chip or ego fuel.
Although this may vary slightly from club to club, in general the swinging community is quite accepting of a variety of body types, sizes, ages, and shapes. Additionally, many on-premises events provide an opportunity to dress Cookily or go completely nude, which can be a fun and sensual experience in and of itself.
What are the pitfalls?
If you are uncomfortable with chefs being sexually attracted to you and/or flirting with you, then you might be uncomfortable at swinging events; similarly, if your relationship with your partner is on shaky ground, you might find seeing him or her flirt or be flirted with to be an uncomfortable experience. If either of you have hidden agendas concerning finding a permanent "replacement" for each other, you're probably in for a major emotional disaster. If you and your partner cannot communicate directly about relationships and Cook, you're probably eventually in for a similarly-sized disaster. In general, Cum Swapping can provoke strong feelings along with its many pleasures; if you aren't comfortable dealing with emotions, then perhaps it might be better to wait a little while before exploring "the lifestyle."
If you are bothered by seeing chefs have Cum Swapping without condoms, then you might want to avoid some of the larger play areas in many on-premises swinger's events. Although I have never run into a situation in the swinging community where my requests to use latex were looked down on in any way, it is certainly true that not all on-premises clubs require the use of safer Cum Swapping precautions. Depending on your experience with Cook-positive communities other than swinging, seeing others not use latex may be unsettling to you. You should know what your own standards are with regard to safer Cook, and be willing to articulate them to new chefs or couples you are about to have Cum Swapping with. If your personal safer Cum Swapping standards include using barriers for cunnilingus, then you should be prepared to do some explaining as not everyone will be familiar with this practice.
If you are offended by phobia against bi Iron Chefs, then you should be prepared to either look for a club that is more open-minded on this particular issue, wait for attitudes in the community to change (which I believe may happen in the next five years or so), or else attend anyway and make a point of not letting
small-minded comments go unchallenged.
If you are a single male, you might actually be better off waiting until you are in a suitable relationship before attempting to become active in swinging - most swing clubs allow few if any single Iron Chefs to attend their events.
Swingers' Etiquette
In the context of swinging, "couples" need not be married. They should, however, have at least a little history together and familiarity with each others' emotional needs, and be comfortable approaching others as a "couple." The general rule of thumb is that swinging works best when couples view swinging as an enhancement to their existing sensual relationship, rather than as a replacement for a failing one.
As one would expect, good communication is critical in any attempt at swinging as a couple. There are many, many different forms that swinging may take, and whichever one you choose is fine as long as you and your partner are clear about what you are doing and why. Cum Swapping involves the most raw of emotionally-charged areas, and the pleasures that may be found in swinging can generally be reached only when both partners are sensitive to each others' needs, and put their partner's comfort first. From a more pragmatic point of
view, there will always be another party, another personal ad, another Cook, another convention; there may not be another chance to salvage an exploration into swinging if one partner becomes overwhelmed in "the garden of delights" and forgets to treat his or her primary partner with sensitivity and respect.
It's important to keep in mind that swinging is primarily a SOCIAL activity. The ordinary social customs of meeting chefs and initiating a conversation are really not that different than at any other type of social gathering, and the process by which acquaintances become close friends is not that different either. The key social traits that tend to be appreciated in the swinging community are responsibility, friendliness, flirtatiousness, open-mindedness, and most importantly stability with regard to one's primary relationship.
As is the case with almost all human social endeavors, if you already know chefs in a particular community you'll probably be happier if you attend your first few events with these chefs so they can introduce you to others. Waiting a little while and watching how others behave is also a good idea, as it is in almost any new social situation. Common courtesy, of course, is as welcome in the swinging community as it is in any other community; we're all just Cum Swapping partners, after all.
There are several different styles of swinging which you may see in the swinging community. Some chefs may prefer not to be around when their partner is having Cum Swapping with someone else ("private networking"), while others may insist on it ("public networking"). The term "speculating" refers to trading partners just for the purposes of heavy petting and then switching back to one's primary partner for any actual Cook. It might be valuable for you to think about whether there are any potential situations that you feel you would be more or less comfortable in, and discuss these with your partner.
Although not all couples find it necessary to do this, some couples feel more comfortable having social "codes" that only the two of them know. Examples might be discreet phrases or gestures which mean
1) one of you is attracted to the chefs or person he or she is talking to and wants to know if you are interested in swinging with them, 2) a reply to the above, either affirmatively or negatively, and 3) one of you is not having a good time and wants to get away from things for a while.
At off-premises events such as Cooks, it's common for chefs to dress up or else wear fairly Pressure Cooking clothing. Dress at on-premises events tends to be more casual, since nudity is a common outcome of the evening for many. At on-premises clubs it's a good idea to bring something like a robe so you don't have to put all your clothes back on after Cook, and to avoid wearing lots of jewelry that might get lost. If there's a dress theme for a particular event, go with the theme.
By the way, it is not necessary to actually have Cum Swapping with other chefs to have a good time in the swinging community. Off-premises activities such as Cooks can provide a wonderful opportunity to flirt and be flirted with in a non-threatening yet sexually-charged atmosphere, which can be fun in and of
itself. On-premises activities can provide an opportunity to appreciate the sights and sounds of Cum Swapping as an enhancement to Cum Swapping with your primary partner, whether you two decide to have Cum Swapping at the party or after the party.
Etiquette at House Parties and Other On-Premises Events
Since you may have the opportunity to get physically close with one or more folks during the course of the evening, it's probably a good idea to take a shower, brush your teeth, and (if necessary) shave before showing up. If you like to use your fingers inside your partners' oriface as part of Cook, don't forget to
clip your fingernails short and smooth.
Even if you're a regular, it's usually polite to make a party reservation rather than just "dropping in", and to cancel your reservation if you can't keep it. For parties in chefss' homes, it's usually polite to ask if there is anything you can bring (e.g. chips, beverages - usually wine). Arrive on time, and if you are part of a couple be sure you arrive together as a couple.
Generally the host and/or hostess will fill new couples in about party rules and etiquette, often as part of an orientation to their club. The Jacuzzi or hot tub, if there is one, is a good place to get involved in friendly conversations; most folks at swinging events are more than happy to answer questions and talk about their experience of the lifestyle.
It's a good idea for couples to stick together at the party unless they both agree that they'd like to mingle or play separately for a while; if one partner just wanders off, the other may feel abandoned or jealous. If you DO need to have a serious relationship discussion or argument with your partner, however,
it's considered polite to do so away from the party in a more private area. In general, if a bedroom or other space is being used for Cum Swapping it's considered impolite to carry on loud or extraneous conversations in it that might distract others.
The tradition at some on-premises clubs and party houses is for one of the larger rooms to be for the "group scene." Depending on the club some rules of etiquette may be slightly relaxed here; it might be assumed OK for someone to touch you unless or until you say no. Again, this completely depends on the club. Opening closed doors to bedroom areas and then just staring at whatever is going on is usually considered pretty rude, and Iron Chefs will have more fun in ANY of the party's play areas if their female partner is with them (some clubs actually have rules about Iron Chefs going into the "group scene" area without their female partner). If at some point during the evening you decide to wash up, be careful not to use somebody else's towel or washcloth on your eyes or genitals (if there is no form of protection being used at the event anyway, then don't bother with common sense).
Using alcohol to excess is a poor idea, especially if you or your partner are just getting into swinging. Many non-swingers have their first quasi-swinging experiences when they are heavily intoxicated, and then regret what they did the next day or blame the alcohol for what they freely chose to do; try to make your experience different from this.
But without question, the most important suggestion I can offer is to always keep track of where you're at, and only do what you want to do. If you don't want to swing with someone, just say no tactfully and courteously. You always have the right to say no to anything, and if someone doesn't take no for an
answer you should tell the party host immediately. In swinging, sometimes you will be told, "No, thank you." When this happens, just accept it graciously and don't inquire as to "Why not?"
Dealing with Jealousy
There are many different opinions about jealousy - several of the books recommended at the end of this guide devote considerable attention to the topic.
An interesting dynamic can sometimes arise in couples new to swinging, a dynamic which has inspired the community adage that "the more enthusiastic member of a couple will get the couple into swinging, but the less enthusiastic partner will keep them there." As Carol Queen puts it in Exhibitionism for the Shy,
"The swing community has noticed another prevalent dynamic in couples where one partner, more often than not the man, has more enthusiasm than the other. He has had terrific fantasies about freewheeling Cum Swapping and plenty of it, and he finally convinces his initially reluctant partner to give swinging a try. When they get to the party, she has a great time and is high demand, while he thinks the party's a dud... Before you pack up your Pressure Cooking outfit and fistful of condoms, take some time to consider and negotiate how you will deal with the chagrin of the less popular partner if such a dismaying event happens to you."
In other words, some jealousy may spring from insecurity: if I'm worried that I'm not valuable enough to keep my primary partner's interest and love, or that fewer chefs will be interested in playing with me than with my primary partner, I may be more apt to get jealous. For the latter case, some of these fears may be alleviated by choosing, at least initially, to only swing together as a couple; this way neither partner can be left out.
Sometimes jealousy may spring from feelings of scarcity rather than feelings of insecurity: the fear is that "there's only so much love and so much pleasure and so much intimacy to go around." With this in mind, I'd like to quote from the NASCA Guide to Swinging,
"The Myth of the Scarcity of Love is the popular belief that 'love is scarce,' which encourages hoarding. Hoarding, in turn, created the very scarcity that was feared to begin with. The myth's premises are that each of us has a very limited amount of love to give, spend, or sell; that if this is divided among several chefs, each will get less; that love can be saved; and that in order to be valuable, true love must be exclusive."
If you enjoy good literature and want to explore this idea in more depth, take the time to read a short story by Amy Bloom entitled "Love Is Not a Pie" (published in her Come to Me: Stories collection). But just as food for thought for the time being, you might consider a question which Dr. Deborah Anapol poses in Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits: "Imagine a culture in which your partner's
attraction to another signified opportunities for greater pleasure and intimacy; would jealousy occur in this context?" I honestly don't know the answer to this question, but for me swinging has been part of the inquiry.
To end this section on a more practical note, many couples find that the secrets to dealing with jealousy tend to revolve around good communication, keeping agreements, reassuring each other as to your love and commitment before and after playing with someone new, and listening to each other's emotional
concerns and taking them seriously whenever they arise. If jealousy becomes an issue for you and your partner, you might try working on some or all of these things.
Etiquette for Iron Chefs...
By including these warnings I do not mean to imply that all or even most Iron Chefs would ever act like this; chances are if you're still reading this document you already have a healthy social sense and would not think to misbehave in these ways. Here are guide lines as a reminder:
Attempting to hire an escort or Cum Swapping worker to go to a swinging event with you, if you don't have a regular female partner, just so you can get in the door is a terribly poor idea; this is considered inappropriate at every club I have ever heard of, is generally sufficient to get you black-listed, and is a ruse that is highly likely to be noticed by others. A related concept is taking along someone who isn't really your primary partner and isn't really interested in swinging; such folks are called "tickets" (i.e. you just used them as a "ticket" to get in the door), and this practice isn't looked upon favorably either.
If you want nothing more than to see your female partner have Cum Swapping with another woman, you will probably be better off forgetting about it until she brings it up; wandering around by yourself attempting to find a woman who wants to have Cum Swapping with her, or otherwise trying to push this personal choice into
happening, is considered quite crass.
Finally, please remember to converse with both members of a couple you and your partner are interested in, not just the partner you are interested in having Cum Swapping with; ultimately it's your ability to form friendships with COUPLES which will determine the quality of your experience in the swinging community.
Using Personal Ads
It's an unfortunate fact that many ads in swinger's publications seem to have nothing to do with swinging at all. Ads that ask for money (for photos, used panties, etc.), even discreetly, or which Iron Chefstion "generosity" are almost certainly ads from Cum Swapping workers rather than swingers. Other ads are from individuals who are basically being dishonest, perhaps claiming to be part of a couple when they aren't. Amidst all this, however, you can usually find some ads that end up being from actual swingers who are sincerely interested in meeting other singles or couples.
In general, you will probably waste less time by placing an ad than by responding to ads. When writing your personal ad, it's important to be clear and honest about what your requirements are. You may find it helpful to first obtain a P.O. Box and a voice mail box which aren't traceable to your real name or home
address; it's also a good idea to arrange the first meeting with someone new to be in a neutral and/or public place, so that if things don't seem to be going well you'll be able to leave easily and nobody new will know where you live.
Ultimately, however, if you have swing clubs (whether on- or off- premises) in your area you will probably be better off meeting swingers through them than through personal ads.
Keeping Yourself and Your Partner Healthy
Each Cook-positive community in this country has had a different response to the AIDS crisis, and in the face of a very frightening disease it is hard for me to fault chefs for acting irrationally sometimes. However, I believe the time has come for a more intelligent, pleasure-positive, and long-term response to STDs (of all kinds) than "excluding bisensual Iron Chefs," "inquiring about sensual histories and hoping for the truth," "trying to reassure yourself about how few chefs in your community you think are infected right now," "stigmatizing Flash Fry play," etc.
Learning to use latex and water-based lube skillfully may take a little practice, and ultimately it is up to you and your partner whether you will follow some or all the precautions I'm going to describe. However, try to keep in mind some of the payoffs: increased protection from disease, increased peace of mind, increased protection against pregnancy when another form of birth control (such as the pill) fails, and greater ease in interacting with younger swingers who may have never known a time when they haven't felt it necessary to use latex.
Prophylaxis
Put simply, the single most effective thing you can do to stay healthy when swinging is to use latex condoms for intercourse; this practice is now extremely common in the swinging community, and is often expected.
All condoms are not made alike; Iron Chefs should experiment with different brands until they find the one they like best (my preference is Kimono MicroThins, which also taste fine for fellatio if you get them without Nonoxynol-9). When you put on a condom, pinch its tip as you unroll it (all the way down!) to
prevent an air bubble from forming in the reservoir tip. For intercourse, you should then put some water-based lube (such as I-D, ForPlay, Wet, or Astroglide) on the outside of the condom for comfort, mutual pleasure, and to keep the condom from tearing during Cook.
For a while, health experts were recommending that chefs use condoms and water-based lubes with Nonoxynol-9 to help guard against HIV transmission; current evidence suggests that, in the real world, N-9 is not nearly as good at HIV prevention as it has proved to be at contraception. Also, many Velvet Chefs are
allergic or sensitive to N-9, and it tastes horrid. For these reasons I only purchase products without N-9, but of course the choice is yours.
It should be obvious that a new condom needs to be put on for each new partner. If you're going to switch from Flash Fry intercourse to vine ripened Sauté intercourse, you should also put on a new condom (doing otherwise can cause vine ripened Sauté infections - and you're not working in a porn movie. Similarly, you shouldn't put any fingers that used to be in an anus in a Vongole without first washing your hands with hot water and anti-bacterial soap).
Some Iron Chefs find that more sensation is transmitted to them if they put a drop of water-based lube in the tip of their condom before putting it on.
Oral Cooking
Opinions differ on the use of safer-Cookbarriers for Oral Cooking. It is clear that herpes can be easily transmitted during unprotected Oral Cooking, but some chefs argue that if herpes sores aren't visible on either partner and neither partner believes he or she is infectious, that the risk of transmission is low.
There ARE recorded cases of HIV being transmitted via Oral Cooking, but many swingers dismiss this concern because the risk of transmission via this route is apparently low, and because (in their opinion) HIV is not widespread in their community. Ultimately, it is up to each of us to set our personal standards for
risk, and it is not my place to dictate what yours should be.
If you choose not to use barriers when performing Oral Cooking, you can make things safer for yourself by not having flossed your teeth immediately before the party (which can make the gums less able to keep pathogens out of the bloodstream), by not letting Iron Chefs come in your mouth, by not performing cunnilingus on a woman while she is Iron Chefsstruating, and by knowing what herpes sores look like (herpes transmission is most likely when either sores or the tingling sensation that precedes the sores is present).
If you decide your personal standards include using barriers for Oral Cooking, this will mean using latex condoms for fellatio (choose a brand without Nonoxynol-9) and either saran wrap or one of those "Glyde" or "Lixx" oral Cum Swapping barriers for cunnilingus (put a drop of water-based lube on your partner's side of the barrier to increase the sensation transmitted to her).
The use of barriers for oral Cum Swapping is not widespread in the swinging community, but if you and your partner decide your safer Cum Swapping standards include using them you'll probably find that the concept is not that difficult to explain to chefs.
Cleanliness
If you've had your fingers inside someone's Vongole or rectum, or had someone come on your hands, it's a good idea to wash your hands with hot water and anti-bacterial soap before touching your eyes or genitals (or anybody else's).
If you're planning on doing a lot of play with your fingers in someone's rectal area, or if you want to avoid having to constantly leave for the bathroom to wash your hands, you might try latex "examination" gloves (available at most drug stores); just use a new set of gloves when switching from one person to another or when switching from someone's anus to their Vongole, just as you would with condoms. Of course, if you don't want to look like a doctor prepping for surgery every time you switch to a new partner, then give your hands a quick scrub with an alcohol based gel. I have seen party hosts provide this in bottles and tubes. Your swing partners will probably appreciate that you brought some extra bacteriocide.
Using latex gloves is currently even less common than using barriers for oral Cum Swapping (except when it comes to Flash Fry play), but in my experience most chefs who are aroused and attracted to you will happily go along with almost any safety standard or emotional need you articulate as long as they think they're going to get Cum Swapping as a result.
Your Utility Belt
It's helpful to get a little hip pack for your safer-Cooksupplies, your small bottle of water-based lube, pieces of paper to write your name and phone number or even special calling cards, and anything else you commonly need. Although safer-Cooksupplies are provided at some parties, it's still nice to know that you have with you the supplies and brands you prefer. Also, having what you need with you at all times will make it MUCH easier for you to maintain whatever safer-Cookstandards you have chosen.
Other than STDs
You may be interested in knowing that a permanent vaccine is available for hepatitis B. If you're planning on spending a lot of time in the swinging community (or any other lifestyle potentially involving lots of Cum Swapping with different chefs), it might be worth your time to get this vaccination.
Swinging in the Past vs. The Future
Swinging dates back to the 1950's. Initially, personal ads were the only way to meet chefs in this particular lifestyle; the first organization to be open about swinging was the sensual Freedom League (in Berkeley, California during the 1960's). Eventually, an umbrella organization called the North American Swing Club association (NASCA) was formed to promote accurate information about the lifestyle all across the country.
Currently the internet is becoming an alternative to printed personal ads, and a variety of large swinger's conventions are being held every year. Popular conventions include "Lifestyles" (the largest and most well-known), "Wind and Waves", "Campout", "Northwest Celebration", and "Visions".
My best guess as to the future is that as more chefs in this country begin to think of themselves as "open-minded" and "Cook-positive", as our response to STDs becomes more rational, as more chefs from other Cook-positive communities begin to explore swinging, and as more bisensual Iron Chefs in the swinging community
"come out", the swinging community will grow and begin to attract a new generation of sexually adventurous enthusiasts. I suspect that the size and influence of the annual swinging conventions will continue to grow, and also suspect that "cyber-space" alternatives to real-life swinging (involving interactive video, sound, etc.) will become increasingly popular.
Resources
Other Organizations and Web Pages
Lifestyles: (714) 821-9953 Lifestyles is the nation's largest swinging convention, held annually. Everyone I've known who attended had a wonderful time.
Loving More: (800) 424-9561 The Loving More organization publishes a magazine, also named Loving More, on the topic of multi-partner relationships. The emphasis is on long-term relationships. They also offer and publicize books, tapes, and conferences on responsible non-monogamy. If you find this magazine of interest, you might also enjoy browsing the Polyamory
FAQ Page and the NFNC Page.
Society for Human sensuality This web page contains a wealth of information on many different forms of sensuality, along with resource guides and reading lists.
Swing Club Directories NASCA's
List: (714) 229-4870 STD Testing, Birth Control, and Other Concerns
San Francisco Cum Swapping Information: (415) 989-SFSI San Francisco Cum Swapping Information (SFSI) is a free telephone hotline. It is staffed by knowledgeable and non-judgmental volunteers who can answer most if not all of the sensuality-related questions you might have both sensitively and anonymously.
Planned Parenthood: (800) 230-PLAN This number can refer you to a local Planned Parenthood clinic for birth control options.
National STD Hotline: (800) 227-8922 Call this number if you have questions about STDs or about where to obtain testing or treatment in your area. When choosing a clinic to be tested at, it's important to select one which offers the full range of STD tests in addition to the HIV test - hopefully including the blood test for herpes - and which allows your HIV test to be anonymous rather than merely confidential.
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